Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Day of Thinking......

All day I've been thinking about what to write - what could I say that could sum up my thoughts on this "anniversary" date of our official wait.

At times my thoughts are mute.  There is really nothing to think, no thoughts to process, no feelings to communicate.  It's another day. Another day that, at times I become numb to.  I decided a long time ago that I couldn't fret over this process (of course, I thought our wait would only be 12 months).  So I go on about my day and enjoy the blessings God has been so generous with to me. 

At times my thoughts are anxious.  Over and over, I think about deadlines and forms and signatures and notaries and fees (oh, the fees).  My head spins at the mounds of paperwork we have collected over these past three years (and continue to collect) and the work that each one took.  The people that were involved in completing these forms - bosses, physicians, friends - and the time they invested in making sure these documents were completed properly.  Please know my sincere gratitude for your role in this.

At times my thoughts are just my thoughts.  I wonder if we are all alone on this journey. Do people even remember we are adopting?  Do they even care?  This process has made me understand that daily people are living, struggling with battles that I have no idea about.  I hope through this I can be more discerning of people's hurts and struggles and can offer support even when they don't ask.

At times my thoughts are longing.  I long to hold that child and kiss those dark brown cheeks.  I want to smell the sweetness of the coconut oil on his or hers skin.  I want to experience the sights and smells of the land my child will be birthed in.  I want to join the circles of families that have brought their little ones home.  When I think about these things I'm giddy.

On July 12, 2011 our family stood in the FedEx store with our adoption documents all in hand.  We prayed over that stack of paperwork asking that God would find favor in our work and bless our diligence in the tasks that had been given to us through that process.  We handed the thick envelope over to the worker-asking him to guard it with his life-and left.  Exactly 10 days later we got the call that we were officially put on the waiting list for our child.  

Thinking back to that day in FedEx, I would have never dreamed we would still be waiting.  The plan I had for our family wasn't this at all. By my calculations we should have been a family of 4 for about 2 years now but that isn't the case and the void is still there. His plan for our family is different.  I don't understand it and at times I get angry and frustrated about it all but we continue to trust and we continue to pray that He find favor in us for our wait and bless our diligence in the wait.....

so many thoughts on this anniversary day..........................

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