Crossroads

I have wrestled with writing this post for several days now.  For about 3 weeks my mind has raced-it is filled with questions, scenarios, doubt, frustrations.....I have wept, I have hurt, I have been numb.....I have been brought to a crossroads asking "What do we do?" "Why"

For those of you that don't know the background to all of this.....
On December 29th word was received from Ethiopia that "The House of Peoples' Representatives and the Ministry of Women, Children and Youth urged stakeholders and the public to undertake integrated work to totally stop adoption of Ethiopian children by foreign families."  (Here is a link to the whole article: http://allafrica.com/stories/201312260586.html)
The groups urging this movement were to submit a formal proposal on January 16th and hopefully families here in the states going through this process would know the "fate" of their Ethiopian adoption. On 16th we were informed that no decision has been reached and there have even been rumors that the meeting hasn't even taken place yet...big surprise there that something in Ethiopia didn't stay as planned (sarcasm there).

(Brutally honest section coming.....)
My heart was and is broken.  For 3 years we have waited patiently (ok, sometimes impatiently) for the referral of a precious little boy.  We have prayed for him, his birth parents and the process.  I have fallen in love with Ethiopia - the culture, the country, but mostly the people....the beautiful people.  I hurt that I may never have the little Ethiopian boy I have longed for.  I don't understand why other families have completed their programs faster than us...I'm honestly so jealous of them....I think "when is it my turn to hold my little boy in my arms?".

During this time I have had so many emotions and questions. 
-Why did we wait so long to start this adoption process when we knew we would do it all along?
-Why did we feel called to Ethiopia only to potentially have this door shut on us forever?
-If God loves orphans (and his word clearly says he does) then why is He allowing a country that can't sustain itself, push to shut down international adoptions all together?
-Did He truly call our family to adopt...did we misinterpret this calling? But if I'm so passionate about orphans, could this calling really be a mistake?

I honestly just want to sit down with God and say "why...why are you doing this?"  I want him to show me "the big picture" once all the craziness fades.
-I struggle over the fact that so many have supported us both financially and through prayers and this will only let them down.....how do we ever re-pay what friends and family have done for us?
-Do we continue on with Ethiopia, do we start something different? Do we continue to invest in a program we don't know the future of? 
There are so many what's, if's and when's at this point? It is one of those times I need God's writing on the walls, in the sky...somewhere very visible and clear that says "do this".
(funny thing is as I just typed that, tears came to my eyes as I thought..."Nikki, all He wants you to do is trust him")

So we are at a crossroads...
-If we pull out of the program all together, before we know an answer from Ethiopia we lose all we have invested in to it.
-If continue on "seeing what happens" we have to pay for fingerprints, homestudy updates and other things to stay up to date....these are fees that if we pay them, we don't get back. (so do we continue to invest in something that is so unsure)
-Do we start another program with a different agency, have more out of pocket expenses and just see what happens?
(If the program closes all together, we have not been told by our agency what monies we might get back)
-There are other scenarios but I'm sure you are bored enough already.

So the Crossroads is before us...the "point at which a vital decision must be made."

If you feel led, would you pray for our family while we stand at this crossroads? Would you pray that God's plan for our family would be very clear to us?  Would you pray for those in Ethiopia that are pushing for this process?  Would you pray for the millions of children that will be affected by this decision if passed?

Here's the deal for me though...if they are going to close it, just close (hear me say though I don't want them to close) and let's get moving....I hate this "hanging/uncertainty" stage we are in.  I'm a doer and a fixer....I can't fix this program (believe me I would have a long time ago) but I can be doing some thing...but as long as we don't know I can't do anything.

We need clarity more than ever right now.  To be honest to start the process all over again, the paperwork, the home visits, the background checks - it all makes me nauseous, but the idea of not adopting a child makes me feel even sicker.

"This is what the Lord says 'Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it and you will find rest for your souls...'" Jeremiah 6:16